Naked Thoughts

I feel like I’m in this space where I’m fat because I’m depressed and I’m depressed because I’m fat.
Where simple movements are becoming difficult and feeling fit is a distant memory.
I’m so annoyed with myself for letting it get this bad. I don’t recognise myself. I feel this isn’t me, this isn’t what I want.

There are many things I feel I should be doing and want to do, to change my life, and each day I set out to make some kind of difference. And yet each day turns out the same, a long to do list barely touched and time wasted doing anything but my to do list. Why??

It’s like I’m in a constant battle with myself to get the simplest things done.
I need some wins. Some momentum in the right direction.

I thought this year would be IT, you know, the year I would finally get my sh!t together. I was so excited for it to be here. But I didn’t prepare well enough.

I have to form some new habits. Gradually.
I can’t change overnight, so I’m trying to tell myself. Not if I want it to stick.

It’s possible I could seek some counselling to help sort my jumble of dysfunctional thoughts and emotions, and hopefully find some clarity.

It’s possible to have PND following a miscarriage.

It’s possible that becoming a full-time stay-at-home-mum, falling pregnant, suffering a miscarriage and moving house in a 2.5 month timeframe is still having repercussions today… over 12 months later.

Is there light at the end of this tunnel?


Yes, I’m still alive!

Well, wasn’t that just the biggest flop of all time. I don’t even know what was going on in my head. Maybe I wasn’t in the right head space, or mentally/emotionally ready to change. I would have preferred to at least donate the $200 to a good cause! Anyway, here we are, 9 months later, and still in the same old boat.

I still have weight to lose, even more in fact. But I’ve been reading lots and learning about how self-sabotage happens, and how to be in good health, physically, mentally & spiritually. I’m now more interested in living a true authentic life, full of things that give me joy. Rather than place food limits around myself, and be striving only to reach a certain weight. I want to do things that make me happy.

I acknowledge that there is more to life than numbers on a scale, and I will not be defined by my weight!

Life is going on around me, and if I don’t jump in, I’m going to miss it. Life doesn’t start at a number on the scales. Everything won’t be ‘perfect’ when I get to a certain weight. I’m learning to accept myself as I am, and not only that, but to LOVE myself.

So this space is no longer just a ‘transformation’ blog. It’s going to be anything I want it to be, about things I do, see, make, cook, bake, sew, believe, support, love. It’s a chronicle of me!

Watch this space 🙂

Vegetarian Hurdle

Tuesday 12 February 2013

So… the plan to try some vegetarian meals?? Yeah I don’t think it’s a go-er. I have ‘new recipe fatigue’ already!! (Arrgh, excuse alert!)

Tonight was meant to be nutmeat rissoles, and I just couldn’t do it. I think I didn’t make them flat enough, and they weren’t cooking, so I tried to flatten them in the pan, and then they just fell apart completely. *sigh* I’m afraid to admit that I abandoned the recipe and we had vegemite toast for dinner.

I’ve decided to stick with the meals we know and love. At least for a while.

Poached eggs on toast w cream cheese (306 cals not counting the tea)
My favourite breakfast meal!

tue b

Carrot & ricotta wrap.
I didn’t have any good basil. We’re working on getting our herb garden going. The initial plan is tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, lettuce, green beans and some herbs.

tue l

Today’s win was again keeping my water intake up at 3 litres. But the not-so-win was eating Miss E’s leftovers.


Ready, Set, GO!

OK, Day 1 here we go: Monday 11 February 2013.

Well. It’s been a rocky start. Probably because I’m not as prepared as I should be. I need to get those pre-season tasks finished.

This round I plan to experiment with some vegetarian and gluten-free meals. But we will still have our favourites occasionally.

Today went pretty well, except for some extra snacks. Whoops. I was preparing dinner and felt hungry (my ‘excuses’ siren is blaring at me…) I have to work on timing my meals better.

My win for today is my water intake – 3 litres! I didn’t find it difficult to increase which is great.

Banana Bruschetta
I think this might be my 2nd favourite brekkie of all time.

Carrot Basil & Ricotta Wrap w Tomato
I have no idea how this is supposed to be a wrap! My attempts at rolling it were quickly abandoned, and I ate it with knife and fork, salad & ‘mountain bread’ crouton style.

Spanish Chickpeas w Spinach & Tomato
This is a new recipe for us, a bit of an experiment. And yeah, not a favourite. I ate it all, but didn’t really enjoy it. Only good part was the feta!

mon dinn

Day 1 done and dusted. But I’m not organised at all for my exercise yet. I need to find my HRM (no idea where it is), and buy some new workout gear (mmm, that means I have to leave the house..).

This journey may get bumpy. I’m not sure that I’m as organised or in as good a mindset as my previous successful round with 12wbt (I smashed many of my goals, and lost over 10kg in 8 weeks in mid 2012. Read about it here if you like).

But this is an improvement on doing nothing, so I’m OK with bumpy. And I will keep on going until it gets smoother.


A new direction


Much has happened since my last post. So much in fact, that I just don’t have it in me to explain it all.

Suffice to say the last 2 months have been full of stress and grief and I’m now my heaviest in 10 YEARS (not counting pregnancy weight). I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit it out loud.

I have to do something, clearly what I’m doing isn’t working.

I need to exercise to get some happy endorphins flowing.

I need something to give me structure and a goal day by day.

I need something to bring my smile back.

I need to get back to my healthy weight.

I need to feel good about myself again.

I need to find a spring in my step.

I have to find some focus.

So I’m back and I hope you are still with me!

I’m now a stay at home mum (SAHM), and have been for nearly 4 months. This lifestyle change was welcomed, and I love spending more time with my daughter, she is the highlight of my days. Though one thing about being at home (that I didn’t anticipate), is the risk of losing yourself in the day after day activities and not leaving the house for days. OK, maybe that’s not just from being a SAHM (see above re last 2 months). But that’s kinda where I’m at. We’ve also moved to a new area, and some days it’s just easier to park in front of the TV and not have to deal with anything.

But that isn’t getting me anywhere I want to go.

I’ve re-joined the 12wbt program, and have been planning meals and making goals and committing to achieve them. I’m finding the determination and willpower I’ve shown before. (Remember when I made these and these cupcakes and didn’t have one.single.taste!).

I’m not going to promise anything, but I’d like to return to daily blogging – updates of my nutrition and exercise. I found it very helpful to keep me on track. I may even throw in the odd video if I feel like it.

It’s only up from here!


Day 67 – Massive Mothers Group!

Although I’m now working 5 days per week, today I had the day off as Miss E doesn’t have a spot at daycare on Thursdays until next week onwards.

So I was able to join my friends for mums & bubs group, and we had a lovely time! There was a big turn-out today: 6 friends & 8 children (7 girls & 1 boy). It was great! Now I wish we had gotten a photo of all the toddlers (6 of them) all together.

Mothers Group is a red flag event for me, and I wasn’t organised at all today. I didn’t have any snacks prepared. In the end I had a handful of wholegrain rice crackers, 2 mini quiches, 2 crackers w cheese, and 5 paleo zuchinii fritters, and 2 peppermint teas. Not tooooo bad.

Bad is the 2 Subway cookies I inhaled late in the evening 😦

*sigh*  I wasn’t very good at riding the emotions this time…

Tomorrow – Friday. No plans for exercise yet, just a full day at work, and then try to get to bed early.