Naked Thoughts

I feel like I’m in this space where I’m fat because I’m depressed and I’m depressed because I’m fat.
Where simple movements are becoming difficult and feeling fit is a distant memory.
I’m so annoyed with myself for letting it get this bad. I don’t recognise myself. I feel this isn’t me, this isn’t what I want.

There are many things I feel I should be doing and want to do, to change my life, and each day I set out to make some kind of difference. And yet each day turns out the same, a long to do list barely touched and time wasted doing anything but my to do list. Why??

It’s like I’m in a constant battle with myself to get the simplest things done.
I need some wins. Some momentum in the right direction.

I thought this year would be IT, you know, the year I would finally get my sh!t together. I was so excited for it to be here. But I didn’t prepare well enough.

I have to form some new habits. Gradually.
I can’t change overnight, so I’m trying to tell myself. Not if I want it to stick.

It’s possible I could seek some counselling to help sort my jumble of dysfunctional thoughts and emotions, and hopefully find some clarity.

It’s possible to have PND following a miscarriage.

It’s possible that becoming a full-time stay-at-home-mum, falling pregnant, suffering a miscarriage and moving house in a 2.5 month timeframe is still having repercussions today… over 12 months later.

Is there light at the end of this tunnel?

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Yes, I’m still alive!

Well, wasn’t that just the biggest flop of all time. I don’t even know what was going on in my head. Maybe I wasn’t in the right head space, or mentally/emotionally ready to change. I would have preferred to at least donate the $200 to a good cause! Anyway, here we are, 9 months later, and still in the same old boat.

I still have weight to lose, even more in fact. But I’ve been reading lots and learning about how self-sabotage happens, and how to be in good health, physically, mentally & spiritually. I’m now more interested in living a true authentic life, full of things that give me joy. Rather than place food limits around myself, and be striving only to reach a certain weight. I want to do things that make me happy.

I acknowledge that there is more to life than numbers on a scale, and I will not be defined by my weight!

Life is going on around me, and if I don’t jump in, I’m going to miss it. Life doesn’t start at a number on the scales. Everything won’t be ‘perfect’ when I get to a certain weight. I’m learning to accept myself as I am, and not only that, but to LOVE myself.

So this space is no longer just a ‘transformation’ blog. It’s going to be anything I want it to be, about things I do, see, make, cook, bake, sew, believe, support, love. It’s a chronicle of me!

Watch this space 🙂

Vegetarian Hurdle

Tuesday 12 February 2013

So… the plan to try some vegetarian meals?? Yeah I don’t think it’s a go-er. I have ‘new recipe fatigue’ already!! (Arrgh, excuse alert!)

Tonight was meant to be nutmeat rissoles, and I just couldn’t do it. I think I didn’t make them flat enough, and they weren’t cooking, so I tried to flatten them in the pan, and then they just fell apart completely. *sigh* I’m afraid to admit that I abandoned the recipe and we had vegemite toast for dinner.

I’ve decided to stick with the meals we know and love. At least for a while.

Poached eggs on toast w cream cheese (306 cals not counting the tea)
My favourite breakfast meal!

tue b

Carrot & ricotta wrap.
I didn’t have any good basil. We’re working on getting our herb garden going. The initial plan is tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, lettuce, green beans and some herbs.

tue l

Today’s win was again keeping my water intake up at 3 litres. But the not-so-win was eating Miss E’s leftovers.

MUST.FINISH.PRESEASON.TASKS!!!

Ready, Set, GO!

OK, Day 1 here we go: Monday 11 February 2013.

Well. It’s been a rocky start. Probably because I’m not as prepared as I should be. I need to get those pre-season tasks finished.

This round I plan to experiment with some vegetarian and gluten-free meals. But we will still have our favourites occasionally.

Today went pretty well, except for some extra snacks. Whoops. I was preparing dinner and felt hungry (my ‘excuses’ siren is blaring at me…) I have to work on timing my meals better.

My win for today is my water intake – 3 litres! I didn’t find it difficult to increase which is great.

Banana Bruschetta
I think this might be my 2nd favourite brekkie of all time.

Carrot Basil & Ricotta Wrap w Tomato
I have no idea how this is supposed to be a wrap! My attempts at rolling it were quickly abandoned, and I ate it with knife and fork, salad & ‘mountain bread’ crouton style.

Spanish Chickpeas w Spinach & Tomato
This is a new recipe for us, a bit of an experiment. And yeah, not a favourite. I ate it all, but didn’t really enjoy it. Only good part was the feta!

mon dinn

Day 1 done and dusted. But I’m not organised at all for my exercise yet. I need to find my HRM (no idea where it is), and buy some new workout gear (mmm, that means I have to leave the house..).

This journey may get bumpy. I’m not sure that I’m as organised or in as good a mindset as my previous successful round with 12wbt (I smashed many of my goals, and lost over 10kg in 8 weeks in mid 2012. Read about it here if you like).

But this is an improvement on doing nothing, so I’m OK with bumpy. And I will keep on going until it gets smoother.

Cheers
Kylie

A new direction

So…

Much has happened since my last post. So much in fact, that I just don’t have it in me to explain it all.

Suffice to say the last 2 months have been full of stress and grief and I’m now my heaviest in 10 YEARS (not counting pregnancy weight). I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit it out loud.

I have to do something, clearly what I’m doing isn’t working.

I need to exercise to get some happy endorphins flowing.

I need something to give me structure and a goal day by day.

I need something to bring my smile back.

I need to get back to my healthy weight.

I need to feel good about myself again.

I need to find a spring in my step.

I have to find some focus.

So I’m back and I hope you are still with me!

I’m now a stay at home mum (SAHM), and have been for nearly 4 months. This lifestyle change was welcomed, and I love spending more time with my daughter, she is the highlight of my days. Though one thing about being at home (that I didn’t anticipate), is the risk of losing yourself in the day after day activities and not leaving the house for days. OK, maybe that’s not just from being a SAHM (see above re last 2 months). But that’s kinda where I’m at. We’ve also moved to a new area, and some days it’s just easier to park in front of the TV and not have to deal with anything.

But that isn’t getting me anywhere I want to go.

I’ve re-joined the 12wbt program, and have been planning meals and making goals and committing to achieve them. I’m finding the determination and willpower I’ve shown before. (Remember when I made these and these cupcakes and didn’t have one.single.taste!).

I’m not going to promise anything, but I’d like to return to daily blogging – updates of my nutrition and exercise. I found it very helpful to keep me on track. I may even throw in the odd video if I feel like it.

It’s only up from here!

Kylie

Day 67 – Massive Mothers Group!

Although I’m now working 5 days per week, today I had the day off as Miss E doesn’t have a spot at daycare on Thursdays until next week onwards.

So I was able to join my friends for mums & bubs group, and we had a lovely time! There was a big turn-out today: 6 friends & 8 children (7 girls & 1 boy). It was great! Now I wish we had gotten a photo of all the toddlers (6 of them) all together.

Mothers Group is a red flag event for me, and I wasn’t organised at all today. I didn’t have any snacks prepared. In the end I had a handful of wholegrain rice crackers, 2 mini quiches, 2 crackers w cheese, and 5 paleo zuchinii fritters, and 2 peppermint teas. Not tooooo bad.

Bad is the 2 Subway cookies I inhaled late in the evening 😦

*sigh*  I wasn’t very good at riding the emotions this time…

Tomorrow – Friday. No plans for exercise yet, just a full day at work, and then try to get to bed early.

Cheers
K